Things Empty
~
Not known, unborn,
Formless ~
Devoid of color ~
Nameless
Shape, undifferentiated;
Meaning, undefined.
Muted thoughts,
Page worthless
Awaiting, searching
Orphaned words
In pariah.
Things empty
Empty
Empty
Emptiness limns
This heart
This hollow chamber
Awaiting to be filled.
"reeds" ink on paper by Jeques B. Jamora, 2010
Til something in the hollow
Begun to pound
In genial thumps
Of dreams, in black and white
Conceived
In traces of ambiguous outlines
Forming silhouettes
Of things to come
To fill
Things empty
Empty
Empty
Emptiness enfolds
Each tiny drop of hope
Building up to brim, in time.
The progress of time I befriend ~
Each speck in the passage
I give a name
As details unfolds
Now known, alive
In ripe colors
"reeds" pencil, pen and ink on paper by Jeques B. Jamora, 2010
Shapes defined, forms in certainty.
Words finding voice
Coming home
To the hearth of the longing page
Ending my moments of pariah
Waif no more
And learned.
All the elements in the passage,
Everything about myself
I accepted
Loving things empty
Empty
Empty
Emptiness begets fresh slate
And what’s next.
Now that excites me.
~
—
Footnotes:
I’m half through 2010. The first half of the year was a whirlpool of events for me with things happening fast-paced. In hindsight:
January, 2010 – preparations for my second home-coming which I started to plan in 2008 during my unplanned vacation for my father’s funeral. Ticket booking, pasalubong, sketching itineraries, and above that was submitting my resume to Hospitals I intend to get employment in my return from my grand two months vacation. And then the doubts from getting few calls considering my too long absence before I would be available for work. But I was certain of my priority – I’m going for my vacation, period.
February, 2010 – I didn’t renew my contract with my petitioner/former employer, and submitted my resignation in spite the uncertainty of my job hunting which I temporarily put on hold. February 7 was my last day at work. February 9 was my flight to the Philippines to catch up for valentines day which was part of my itinerary for a surprise Valentines date with my mother.
I only have one thought in mind: “Jump and the net will appear.” I’ve always been a risk taker, at 37 I still am. I just love the adrenaline rush that comes with it.
February to March, 2010 – Vacation, Reunions, Tourist to my own country, sweet moments with my nephews and nieces, memorable time with mamang, bonding with my siblings. Name it, I did everything! I totally shut myself from worries. I lived the moment. I did.
March 16, 2010 – I received an email from the Talent Acquisition manager of the hospital I am currently working, inviting me to submit my resume for possible employment. I did and put a note: The applicant is currently on vacation to his country until April 2, 2010. He will be available for interview after April 5, 2010.
April 2, 2010 – Flight back to Chicago – satiated from my vacation. It is something I did in life that I felt a certain fulfillment and there was nothing left undone from my plan. No single stone unturned, no unfinished business. I emtied myself, for it is only by letting go of our grips for something that we could open our palms and accept things new. I’m just so ready for things to come, like a fresh slate ready for new marks to form in my slab.
April 5, 2010 – I receieved a call from the same person who sent me the email and had an instant interview over the phone. After passing some series of questions, I was recommended to meet with the Chief Clinical Officer for a personal interview the next day. I missed this process of hiring, I’m enthused to go through the process. The interview went well and my application was forwarded to the next phase: Panel interview with a team to gauge if I would fit in to organization. I was found to fit the requirements for the job by the team of 5 during the interview and went further through the hiring process – it was a long process, but I found it fulfilling in the end and financially rewarding, too.
The company I’m working now belongs to the Fortune’s top 500, and was awarded by the renowned Fortune Magazine in 2009 as the most admired company.
May 10, 2010 – Start of my Orientation/Training. You thought my employment was secured? I also thought, and then an unannounced examination like a mini-NCLEX that could either make or break my present status with the company. Call it stress to the highest level. I passed the test and hurdled the last barrier between me and the company, now I feel like I totally belong.
It’s adjustment since. I never felt vulnerable for a very long time like this. It’s like growing new skin, like taking new form from nothingness, like embracing each tiny drop of learning from every moment – it is good to be here at this time – what surprised me most is knowing myself to be still receptive to things new like a raw material that could still be molded to my best form.
The first half of the year taught me a major lesson: to learn to love things empty. For at the end of the day it’s really upto us what we would become as we evolve from the new start point no matter which part of life we already are. This is mine.
I wish you well.
~ Jeques, 2010. From his Traveler’s Soliloquies poetry collection.
Deciphered
bougainvillea, unfinished drawing from home. Pencil, pen and ink on paper by Jeques B. Jamora, 2010
Bougainvillea, completed drawing in Chicago. Pencil, pen and ink on paper by Jeques B. Jamora, 2010
"Mamang" and us, her Children(L-R): Nene Irene, Nong Jhuls, Nang Thez, Mamang and me(Jeques)
—–
Happy Mother’s Day to Mamang, my Sisters and all the mothers in the world!
For all the lines that I have written,
And every word that I have spoken,
A piece of me is taken.
For every time I send my greetings,
It is my heart that I am sending.
—–
Jeques, 2010. From his “Traveler’s Soliloquies” poetry collection.
Springtime
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Invaluable
Thoughts race past cobblestones.
Shadow trails behind
Unnoticed
In the green of day,
Rapture-tinged with blooms.
invaluable bloom
Gloom conceded.
The once empty lamp post
Now lighted.
Images popped
And dissolved in the air ~
Faces passed me by swiftly ~
Acquaintances sealed loosely
With fluffy smile,
Unsure hellos
And unsaid goodbyes.
There were no street lamps
To mark those encounters
(Forgotten)
Like the dandelions’
Worthless beauty
Here now in brilliant yellow
Tomorrow but fluffy seeds
Blown by the winds
To uncertainty grounds
That may welcome
Or uproot them as weeds.
fluffy smile
Walking past cobblestones of life,
I found you in the corner
Of the road I travel
And took a single fluffy seed
Of smile from your fleeting presence
And planted it in the garden
Of my heart
Where there’s no wind
To blow your memories away,
For you are priceless.
lamp post
You are the lamp
That brought light
To the once empty post
That casted shadows
In the corner of the road
I walked every day.
For others,
You are but a dandelion.
For me,
You are an invaluable
Bloom.
“Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.”
~ A. A. Milne
—
Jeques, 2010. From his “Traveler’s Soliloquies poetry collection
Caught in the Moment
"Gift of Home, The White Bell" pen and pencil on paper made some mornings during my recent vacation. Jeques, 2010
The White Bell clinging, rising, blooming embellishing the wire fence home
"Gift of Home: The White Bell," pen and pencil on paper of the white bell in bloom I wanted to take back to chicago, but I can't, so I drew it cpative on paper to take the gift with me anywhere in the world. Jeques, 2010
—–
Jeques, 2010. From his Traveler’s Soliloquies poetry collection.
Watch Me Fly
pencil and ink on paper by Jeques
A flyer
Perched, quiet
And resigned,
Watching you coquet
With the winds
And winged-deities
Flaunting.
I’ve Lost you in the skies
Countless times
For reasons unknown
And I don’t question.
Content of the little attention
Of few moments,
And gone.
Leaving me
For long days
Of cold hours,
And troubling dreams
In colorless nights, awake
Waiting.
A flyer
Perched, quiet
And resigned
Looking at the clouds
And beyond
For signs
Of your return,
Anticipating
awkward starts
Timid stares
Chats in spontaneity
Endings that come swiftly
Shy divergence
Brief goodbyes
Parting touches that hesitate.
A flyer
Perched, quiet
And resigned
Content in the company
Of sheltering Canopy
That consoles.
Hanging on
To fibers of memories
Finding comfort
In tiny blooms;
Their lingering fragrance soothes
The aches of longing.
Vines that bridge
The absence
‘Til you’re back
To perch beside me;
Love abiding.
pencil and ink on paper, by Jeques
A flyer
Winged to soar
And suited
Daring heights ~
It is time.
In your return,
If you don’t find me
Perched as usual,
Look up to heavens
Where I belong ~
The flyer’s gone home.
Watch me fly.
—
Jeques, 2010. From his “Traveler’s soliloquies” poetry and artworks collection.
Postscripts:
I will be coming home to my country this month until April 2, 2010 for a vacation. I need this time to be in-touch with the navel of my journey to get hold of the loose end of entangling thoughts I struggle to find meaning. Perhaps in coming home I would find relevance in every tangled threads of thoughts, so I could move forth climbing mountains, daring heights with found clarity. I can’t wait February 10 to be home .
I wish you well.
~ Jeques
New York: What You Mean To Me
The places we visit are like peepholes we take a peek, revealing parts of a bigger picture of the journeys we take. This is what New York showed me. I visited the place for the first time last year, but it felt like I was there forever.
Land of childhood dreams
Hedged in by enormous seas
Damselfly alights
Have you ever had thought so strong it follows you all through life? I have. It is incessant and tarry as the waves to the shore that come, and go, and come back in erratic intensity of currents taking me back, up, down and forth.
Years back, I wrote this haiku piece included in my Filipino Immigration collection and New York, I have to confess, was the place in mind when I wrote it. I had a strong feeling even then, though I didn’t know exactly when, that one day I’m going alight on to its grounds like the damselfly and walk its streets where my dream arrived ahead of me. For somebody who lived in the other side of the world, it was a dream that for years I half-believed, but after January 17, 2009, with all my heart, I now do.
I first saw America in a postcard, in a picture of a snowy Time Square, New York and visited the place countless times in my thoughts. I’m not sure who owned that card, or who sent it to whom and from where, but I think of it now an invitation sent by my fate from the future to come to a place. An enticement I ignored, or perhaps I turned down at some point doubting possibilities, but the invitation ever haunting.
Years after, I arrived in Chicago and saw snow for the first time. I walked the streets in many snowy days, and my thought of the christmas card would return, unreeling in waves and waves of flashback like an old film but the picture always incomplete, not until last year, when fate put me exactly in that old picture of the postcard I once viewed as a child. My dream and I converged in Time Square where all the elements conspired, and felt the snow the way the child thought it should feel melting on my face when I arrive to answer that long time invitation.
I really thought my many years of incessant thoughts of New York ended when I finally answered its invitation. But I fear, No! I left many stones unturned with my brief weekend visit last year that continue to frequent my reveries, courting me with new angles of possibility. This is what New York mean to me now. For many years, it’s something impossible and far away, and when I reached to touch its grounds, it remained mystical and distant. I felt ignored during my visit. I even wonder it noticed my presence. Perhaps it’s my fault for ignoring the invitation too long that fate have forgotten about the christmas card and didn’t recognize me when I finally stepped into the picture to answer its long time invitation.
I love New York
But it didn’t love me back
A love that endured
Years of dreaming
And wake up
To walk its streets
For fleeting moment
And temporary bliss
That dissolves
With its rushing time.
I chased you
In the fast lanes
Of my recurring dreams.
I run after your affection
In the weekend
I spent with you,
Unnoticed.
I love New York
But it didn’t love me back.
I contented myself
With passing glances
A vagabond
A tourist
A spectator
A stranger
A passerby
An audience
Until the curtains dropped
And the show ended
When day light shied away
From your night lights.
But that’s when I start to dream,
Again, where you become real.
Only in dreams
That I belong to you
And when I trully walk your streets
And leave marks
Of my footsteps
In your heart.
Tomorrow,
When you wake up,
I hope you recognize
My footprints
Among the many vagabond
That walked the paths
That meet in the intersection
Where dreams alight
And don’t dissolve
With the fumes
Of your heavy traffic.
Only then that my dream
Would really come alive.
New York is one of the places I visited that intrigued me to fathom its relevance to my journey. It is like a hole in a lock where a key would fit one day awaiting to be turned to reveal me many things behind the shut door. I doubt the possibilities no more when fate put me in that picture and walked the streets of the postcard of long ago that gave me the preview of what was to come and in fleeting moments became a surreal reality that weekend. I know I need to come back to complete the story and when I do, I would not leave a single stone unturned.
Our dreams may reside in many different places. Places that would speak to us in many different languages, giving us messages, revealing to us secret codes that would help decipher the mysteries of our journeys. I wish my pictures would work like the old postcard did to me and reach the eyes and hearts of dreamers to invite, to entice and reassure that dreams still come alive if we believe. And I hope you would answer that invitation soon.
Don’t make your dreams wait too long.
Jeques at Stairway to heaven. Time Square, New York, January 2009
Mind Games and Coloring Books
Soar with me to heights unbounded,
Dreams go on and on
Defying concrete fences
Built by customs’
Narrow bounderies.
We can fly high and re-arrange stars
Put them to places we want them
Or take them home if we should,
Linger for awhile if we would
We are the law
In the mind games
I would play with you.
We’ll assign the stars colors
Give the comets names
Like we did in coloring books as kids
And for a moment we were the gods
Controlling the the courses of the universe
As we please.
I’d like to wake you up
Where the lashes of the forests
Grew unruly,
Where litters are beautiful,
Orderly not good,
And neatness is not known
Under my decorated skies.
I’d swim with you in the ocean
Where nobody drowns
And the raindrops swim with us,
Crown our heads
Bejeweled with brilliant wreaths
As we emerge in the surface
Sharing mirths.
Let me invite you in a repast
From the bounty of my harvest
Where beverages flow no end.
We don’t have to worry
For the banquet replenishes,
And we don’t have to gain weight
For the body regulates itself.
Stroll with me in a leisurely walk
Where time freezes to four o’clock
When the sun is friendly,
The wind acquiesce as the crowd consenting,
And the perfumed path we chose
Under the canopy of greens and blooms
Ends in the sea where the sunset
Prepared us a breath-taking show
In the altar of the gods.
Let us hold hands
In the silence of the songs
That our hearts sing in unison,
Promising vows of forever
Witnessed by the dances of the dolphins
Recorded by the ears of the ocean
Encapsulated by the infinite seashells
Strewn in the bed of sands
Of the seashore where our feet
Are planted in the grounds
Of a home we found in each other.
If I could have things my way
I would play mind games
And spend coloring books with you,
But if not,
Would you still love me?
—
Jeques, 2010
Better Days
We’ve seen better days,
But are now diffused
In colors, in lights
With the passing of time
As it nears twilight.
I watch waves of parting
As the sun sets,
Recalling, clinging
Til the delicate fibers
Of better days shared
I held on so long
Slip away.
Better days hover
In places we’ve been
And things we’ve done.
I sigh driving around roads,
Enmeshed in the gossamer
Of memories we left behind
When time knows no bounds
And deadlines.
Joyous raptures
I spend in retrospection
Like letters sent from the past
I read too late.
We had such moment
Of better days,
But wasted
To the ever changing landscapes
We throw ourselves off
Unguarded,
Cascading like waterfalls
Lost in endless gorges
Never to return,
Flooding ravines
With tears.
Trickling
Streaming
Flowing
Surrendering to the ebbs
Of destiny
That would empty
Us to the reservoir of fate
That would bring our union
To the same end
At the right time
Where dawn of endless lights
And lasting colors
Of better days
Await.
—–
Jeques, 2009. From his poetry collection, “A Traveler’s Soliloquies”
Home Sick In Autumn
What is there left to write,
When my sense of home has faded.
Fallen souvenirs pirouette in the air ~
Leaves dancing downwards ~ like specter.
The ink must wait, and rest til winter is over
(My spirit retires to quiescent under the covers)
Things freeze like the trees, even the lake dozes.
As wakeful hours become less and less,
Mind loses its bluntness,
The page speechless.
Distance drained my veins bloodless
Even the pulse of my pen ceases.
I’m losing grip of the eidolon of home,
It’s warmth I no longer recall.
Like the trees losing their leaves to autumn,
The hands of memories that used to lift me,
For a time, fail to save my spirit to fall.
I let the cruel wanton winds to take me;
I trust the higher will would be kind.
I write my thoughts in the palms of the season,
I trust them to come back in time.
When my sense of home fills me up again;
When revenant of home,
Like eidolon,
Returns.
—
Jeques, 2009. From his “A Traveler’s Soliloquies” poetry collection.
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